Hardware Haunt
Article by Hugo Blue
DICKSON CITY—It’s mid-afternoon. You’re at Home Depot for a bit of shopping. The employees ignore you, that’s fine. Customers are socially distanced, that’s good. There’s a group performing an exorcism for some lumber. Is that normal?
The Dickson City police didn’t think so when they reported escorting the disorderly spiritual warriors out of the home improvement store for attempting to impose their pseudo séance on miscellaneous building materials.
It’s unclear what symptoms exactly the lumber was exhibiting that made the haunting admonitory.
Were the two-by-fours whispering in tongues? Was the plywood having spastic convulsions on the shelves? Did it all attempt to assemble a structure by itself upon the witching hour?
Many speculate the group was merely offering their sacred services to placate the rise of lumber costs, no doubt the insidious work of malicious spirits.
Also unclear is whether or not the group was successful—so you may want to rethink building that treehouse this summer … lest it be an evil treehouse.
Be sure to check out the new home-banishment aisle at a location near you for when you fancy a do-it-yourself approach for nabbing that poltergeist in just three-easy steps.
Hopefully, they’ll capitalize on all this publicity at Halloween. Some scary deals on squeegee boards, holy water varnish, and reclaimed wooden vampire stakes—for the discerning customer looking to simultaneously combat the undead and clearcutting—would be a real boon-ty.
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