Deer Flies No Match for Duran Duran
Article by Bertie Bertram
EDVILLE—I was birding in and around the lake last week, admiring the effortless aerobatics of the regal red-tails and the frisky frolicking of the wild turkeys (would it kill you to get to the point?—ed.), and I ran into Dick’s young lad going the other way. We happened to be in the thickest part of the wood, without a breath of wind, so I observed, en passant, that the deer flies are bad this year.
And the boy said, I’ve figured out how to vanquish them—only, being Dick’s kid, he didn’t use the word vanquish.
And I said, no way! And he said, yeah, I discovered that if you keep the Gazette lit up on your phone while playing Duran Duran, the deer flies land on the screen, and they’re mesmerized, and they go kinda brain dead, and then you can just squash them with your thumb—only he didn’t use the word squash.
And what do you know? The boy was right. He really is gifted.
So now, when you head out for a nice stroll, you can see all the other hikers and joggers glued to their phones, like those teenage zombies in a John Cusack movie. It’s definitely a bit of a worry when they’re meandering out onto the highway. But on the other hand, no one’s getting bit, and our circulation is soaring.
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