Canada and Denmark Shake Hans
Article by Hugo Blue
HANS ISLAND—At last, the infamous “Whiskey War,” waged between the Canucks and the Danes for 50 years over a cookie-shaped barren island, has ended after both parties decided 50 was a nice, round number to end hostilities on.
Fifty-one years would have just been ridiculous.
The war broke out in 1973 when Canada and Denmark tried to establish a border through the Nares Strait. At exactly 18 km equidistant from both countries, neither side could agree who the cookie belonged to.
But sobriety really decamped when a Danish minister raised a flag, claimed the island, and left behind a bottle of schnapps, either as part of a ritual to summon a defence kraken, or as a way of attracting tourists.
In response, Canada staged a midnight heist, hoisting up the maple leaf and replacing the schnapps with their own whiskey to win the island’s favour.
The outcome was a five-decade long mess of grog theft, war games, battleships, and placards of ownership with notes in the margins from soldiers musing that with all this fuss, the cookie’s centre simply must have a cream filling.
But in light of recent events, both nations agreed that the island had become quite drunk from all the libations, and since it can’t even differentiate between whiskey brands anymore, the time for peace was nigh.
A deal was struck to go full Solomon, dividing the cooking in a perfectly even 60/40 split.
As foreign ministers exchanged alcohol for the last time, Canada’s Mélanie Joly said the gift from the Danes was going “straight into the Museum of Canadian History.”
Such a coincidence. I’m putting a bottle into the Museum of Canadian History right now.
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